After I had left the diner the previous day, I quickly drove up the road towards Main Street to try and grab a photo of the general store. It has a classic New England look to it and I thought it would be perfect for this series. I first noticed it on Saturday morning on my way to Mill Pond. It was still dark out but I really liked how the inside looked all lit up. Just like when I passed the diner, I made a note to return.

This time, after leaving the diner, I had a feeling there would be too much light to get the image I wanted. I was wrong though. Very wrong. There wasn’t any light at all. In the store anyway. In fact, all the lights that made me want to capture it were off. I was in vacation mode and forgot that it was Sunday. Closed for Business. Back home I went with my 5 photos of the diner and plans to return the next morning, Christmas Eve.

Hope

Many thoughts raced through my head as I drove up I-84 for the third morning in a row. Most of them of the families in Newtown, but also for the others who wouldn’t be getting a chance to enjoy this holiday season. For those still dealing with the aftermath of hurricane Sandy. For those that have had to fight this economy more than the rest of us. And those that are, well, just dealing. It is that merry time of year after all.

But then my thinking began to shift. I thought about what I was doing; why I was awake at 6 in the morning scraping off my frozen car, trekking out to take these photos. I was doing it because it was what I could. Given my skills, this was the best I could come up with. I finally realized that what I was doing was enough. Up until that point, I think I was searching for something more. Some unattainable answer for all of this and it was driving me crazy. The reality is that people came together in the days following the tragedy. Not all people of course. There will always be a few misguided individuals that try and take advantage of any situation no matter who suffers, but they are the minority. The rest of us however, are doing what we can. That was enough to give me hope as I exited for Newtown/Sandy Hook one more time.

Day 3 – Newtown General Store

I remember the first time I took photos of a building like this under a dark sky. It was well past sunset in Woodbury, CT, about 15 years ago and I was looking for anything to photograph that night. I drove by an antique store that was closed for the night but the front window had two very bright lights which showcased some cool looking old items. This was back in the film days, so there wasn’t the instant feedback of knowing whether you nailed the exposure just by looking at the back of the camera. To make sure I got the shot right, I took two, 48 exposure, rolls of film that night. I really wanted that shot!

Taking the knowledge I learned from many nights and early mornings just like that one helped me for the quick 3 photos I took of the store here. Similar to the day before, I was feeling uncomfortable pulling my tripod out in Newtown, but there was no way to get the photo I wanted without it. Yes, I could have cranked up the ISO, but that would have made the photo grainy. The higher end SLRs have amazing quality at higher ISOs, and my mid level one does pretty well, but when looking for the highest quality, go with your camera’s lowest setting. That means a tripod is a must in low light because the shutter stays open for a long time. Everyone has a length of time they can handhold the camera for without getting blurry photos. There are many variables that change that length, but for me, it is not very long. I drink lots of coffee and anyone who has seen my handwriting will tell you it looks like chicken scratch. That is not a good sign of a steady hand.

So, guilt creeping back in, I changed the settings in the car. I jumped out, crossed the street to get a good angle, mounted the camera and three clicks later I was back in the car.

I drove passed the memorial again on my way home, and for the first time, I did it with a little hope on that Christmas Eve morning. Hope that the lives lost in this small New England town will not be lost or forgotten, but will act as the catalyst for change. Because we are doing what we can to help make it that way.

Tomorrow, I say goodbye to Newtown in part 4

Guilt

I wrote a lot in part 1 about my initial reactions to the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT. I am sure you all have your own stories about that dreadful day. For some, it was much worse than that. It is hard for me to even imagine what those poor parents, husbands, sons, daughters and boyfriends had to go through that day. To think about the poor innocent children who had to hide and huddle together, some for the last time on earth, is almost too much to bear.

So I started to block it all out: Facebook; the news; anything that might remind me of what happened. That wasn’t possible though. For one; everything reminded me of it. A Christmas song on the radio; an advertisement of a boy and his dad together; or simply looking down and watching my own kids playing. Two of them twins, and their older sister, who is so very sensitive that she cried really hard when she found out one of the victims, Noah Pozner, was also a twin.

But it was the feelings of guilt that really made it so hard for me to let it go. Guilt about how I first reacted to the whole thing. Guilt about how I treated my friend that day, and guilt about trying to block it all out. It wasn’t right that I was trying to forget what happened. Why? Because we should never forget what happened that day. It should pull at you to reject what happened as just another senseless act. For me, It was so much more. It shattered an ideal that our youngest students our safe while in school. It opened my eyes to how we should of seen this coming. I don’t mean that this incident should have been stopped. I mean that we have seen a constant progression of hate over the years and I pray that this act in Newtown marks the beginning of the decent.

These were the thoughts going through my mind as I was back on I-84 heading for Newtown on Sunday, December 23rd at 6:00am

Day 2 – The Diner

From a photographer’s viewpoint, going into Newtown so soon after the shootings created a new sense of guilt. For the previous 9 days, the town had more reporters and members of the media in it than ever before and you could tell that it was starting to get to some of the townspeople. A few “No Media!” signs were along the road into Sandy Hook when I visited the day before and that had me thinking a lot about whether I was “media” in this instance. In the end, I decided that it didn’t matter what I thought. If one person there saw me as media, then yes I was and I didn’t want to be the cause of any more pain for these people.

I rationalized that I was not going to be intrusive and also that I would leave right away if someone asked, but as I pulled into the parking lot of the Blue Colony Diner, I was definitely feeling some guilt. I drove around the building, peeking inside to hopefully find an empty diner since it was still early. Unfortunately, I saw an older couple sitting in a booth in the corner closest to where I parked. That changed my approach for taking these photos immediately as my camera would be pointed almost directly at them. I did a quick walk around the front to see if there was a better angle, but my initial instinct was right and I would have to take it from the original area or come back another day. The sun was just beginning to lighten the dark sky that I wanted as a backdrop, so waiting out their breakfast wasn’t an option.

I decided I would work as efficiently as possible, take only what I absolutely needed to make a good image and get out. So I changed all of my camera settings in the car and then quickly pulled out my tripod and locked the legs down. I took a grand total of 5 images that morning and a little piece of each one is in the final image below. This will be the first time I mention HDR, but it won’t be the last. If you don’t know what HDR is, I suggest you visit http://stuckincustoms.com. Trey Ratcliff will explain it better than I ever could, but i will definitely be writing about it in future posts.

Come back tomorrow for part 3. Another building I decided to photograph as I passed it on day 1.